Random Thoughts by EOG

This week, we take a look into the mind of our very own Elusions of Grandeur. So, without further ado, here is the first installment of Random Thoughts by EOG...

It seems that everyone wants to become something they aren't. And while this constant self bettering is typically a benefit to those who achieve something through their efforts, it can leave those of us who fail in steps one or two a little drained and perhaps less likely to make another attempt in the future. Considering how hard sticking with a new idea can be, especially when it's one little thing after another and then trying to keep track of how far you've come - I suggest that everyone take a chance at just jumping in the water. Forget about testing it with your toe and slowly wading in. Swing off the vine and do a cannonball into the lake. Pretend that you already ARE what you wish to achieve and see how long you can keep that up. Then try again tomorrow and see if you can be that person you want to be even longer and better than the day before. For me, it's being an early riser (which requires a LOT of pretending without coffee - on a side note one of my favorite phrases is "It's too early to be alive."). Who do you want to be?

So, there you have it folks. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Hi, I'm in Delaware

Currently, I call Delaware home. And it has recently occurred to me that most people know absolutely nothing about Delaware, except that it's the butt of many jokes and Joe Biden is one of our Senators. Admittedly, Delaware doesn't have much. It's even hard to find the place on a map (hint--it's next to Maryland). But there's more to Delaware than being the first state to ratify the Constitution (this is how we came up with our clever nickname "The First State"--the creative juices just flow in Delaware). And since it's more than likely our next Vice President will be from Delaware, I've decided it's time to highlight some of the noteworthy features of this "Small Wonder" (another one of our clever little tag lines). I promise to make this brief (actually, I have no choice. Remember, Delaware doesn't have much).

Delaware--a small state sandwiched between Maryland, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey. Comprised of 3 counties. Only one area code for the whole state. Not a large enough population to put letters on license plates. Can drive the entire state on one tank of gas. Primary employers are the banking/credit card industry (yup, many of your monthly payments are processed right here in Delaware), agriculture with an emphasis on chickens, and State government. No professional sports teams though the Wilmington Blue Rocks play here (they are the Class A affiliate of the Kansas City Royals. One of two mascots is Mr. Celery. He is scary). Best known for tax free shopping, many, many tax incentives for businesses (The Backstreet Boys are even incorportated here--how lucky are we?), the University of Delaware, some giagantic NASCAR race that virtually doubles the state's population for a weekend, our beaches and shopping outlets. Has been featured on "Surf and Rescue" (Dewey Beach), "Ghost Hunters" (Fort Delaware), and some show on the Food Network and/or Travel Channel involving good places to pig out (Cluck U). Current contestant on "The Amazing Race" is from Delaware.

Famous People
George Thoroghgood--known for such prophetic songs as "Bad to the Bone" and "I Drink Alone". Any chance one has to do with the other?
Teri Polo--best known as Ben Stiller's girlfriend in "Meet the Parents" and "Meet the Fockers". Should have just stuck with "Meet the Parents".
Rich Gannon--not origianlly from Delaware, but was the quarterback for the University of Delaware (Go Hens!!!) and played in the Superbowl with the Oakland Raiders (vs. Tampa Bay--Oakland lost 48-21).
Ryan Phillipe--seriously, he's from Delaware. Actor in movies such as "Stop, Loss", "Crash", and "Cruel Intentions".
Joe Flacco--current quarterback for the Baltimore Ravens. Don't know much about him and usually can't remember his name. Also, not a Delaware native but did play for the Hens.
Bill Roth--deceased Delaware Senator and creator of the Roth IRA.
The DuPont Family--made their fortune in gunpowder. Essentially own most of the state.
Valerie Bertinelli--star of "One Day at a Time". Former wife of Eddie Van Halen and current Jenny Craig spokesperson.

So, that's pretty much all you need to know about Delaware. It's small, it's flat, it has no sales tax. So, now when Delaware comes up in conversation at a party, you can contribute more than "Hi, I'm in Delaware." And this will make you very popular.

Will the Real Elmo Please Stand Up?

Every household has its dreaded words. For some it's "Dinnertime". For others it's "Your mother is on the phone". In my house, it's two little words, uttered by our 2 year old on a daily basis. Those words, in all of their goose bump inducing, skin crawling glory are "Elmo watch".

Those words seem harmless on the surface. How awful can Elmo really be? After all, Elmo is a furry red monster who encourages children to learn, to ask questions, to explore their imagination, and to just be happy to be a kid. He sings, he draws, he has a pet goldfish named Dorothy. He's even nice to Oscar. Plus, he's got a whole line of products from toothbrushes to books to life size replicas of his furriness. If he were that awful, would the Henson Company really use Elmo as their flagship product?(It was a sad day for me when I realized kids recognize Elmo more than Kermit, but I am a Muppet purist. I digress.) Well, I'm here to tell you something the creators of Sesame Street will not...beneath his cheery, furry red exterior lurks a deep dark secret. Elmo is annoying.

And I'm not talking annoying like Rosie O'Donnell or Paris Hilton. I'm talking annoying like Roseanne's rendition of the Star Spangled Banner on replay--permanently. Annoying like a 24 hour channel of campaign ads. Annoying like a case of herpes that just won't go away.

But how can that be, you ask? He's just sooooo cute. No, he's not. Any parent of any child under the age of 5 will tell you that Elmo makes you want to impale your ears so can no longer hear. Elmo makes you want to live in poverty so you don't have to look at another Elmo book or buy another Elmo toy. Elmo makes you want to smash your TV so you can no longer feed into your child's insane and irrational addiction to the world's most annoying puppet.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here is my list of Elmo's Top 5 Annoying Traits:

1. His maniacal cackle that punctuates every sentence. Seriously, why is that necessary? He sounds like he's always hatching an evil plan (which I think he is--and I think it involves not only robbing me of my money, but my sanity as well).

2. His incessant need to ask a baby questions. For those of you who have been spared the horrors of "Elmo's World" (anyone who knows what I'm talking about now has the theme song stuck in his/her head. If I have to suffer, so do you), let me explain. Each version of Elmo's World has a theme (let's use horses to illustrate my point). Elmo will ask a baby "Baby, how do you act like a horse?" (Horse of course can be substituted with frog, ball, hair, whatever). The camera will then cut to a shot of a baby sitting there like a lump (as babies are good at), of course not answering the question, and then cut back to Elmo unleashing one of his horrifying giggles. It's just so pathetic to watch. You'd think Elmo would be a little more clever than to ask a baby questions.

3. His inability to pick a different tune for his song that concludes each edition of "Elmo's World". Seriously, does every song have to sound like Jingle Bells (again to illustrate, use the word horse and only the word horse and sing it to the tune of Jingle Bells)? Elmo has now ruined a Christmastime classic. Thanks, you furry piece of s*%#.

4. His voice. Good G-d, that voice. His voice alone makes me wish I had the ability to put my hearing on a dimmer switch.

5. His overwhelming need to refer to himself in the third person. Not only is it super arrogant but I can't imagine that it's teaching children proper English. So now, our kids will not only write papers that include texting abbreviations and smiley face icons instead of words, there's going to be a whole generation of kids referring to themselves in the third person. Super. So now I have to fear that our future leaders will attend Global Summits on the economy, famine, and AIDS and will communicate to each other like this: my daughter, "President Lynch said u r so right", to which the reply will be her British counterpart,"Prime Minister Smith says ." And all thanks to Elmo. Little bastard.

So there you have it. Elmo has been exposed for what he really is--an irritating, third-person speaking, ear-drum shattering fuzz bucket. I know that it's like finding out that there's no Santa or Easter Bunny, but the whistle had to be blown. For parents, and the public in general, our sanity must be saved from this putrid creature. And the next time you see a frazzled-looking, half-deaf, caffeine-consuming parent, have a little sympathy. She may have just, in a fit of rage, beheaded her child's Tickle Me Elmo and is desperately looking for another one. Because the only thing more annoying than Elmo is a whining child.

How Jim Halpert Ruined My Life

While this is not technically MOANing related, it's something I had to get off of my chest. Jim Halpert ruined my life. There. I said it. Jim Halpert ruined my life.

You may be wondering how exactly did this happen. It's something I've thought long and hard about and the answer is simple...Jim Halpert made me believe that men can be funny, sweet, romantic, smart, sensitive, polite, well-dressed, financially independent, and cute all at once (and have a really nice butt.) I mean, I was doing just fine with my husband who, on any given day, is some combination of those traits. And I was fine with that. It was like living with a bag of Skittles...so many colors to choose from and every bag is different. And I was happy. Diversity is good. But now, I want a bag of all reds (red skittles are far and away the best, but that is another discussion). And Jim Halpert is the reddiest.

It wasn't that Jim Halpert just changed what I thought was an ideal man. He changed my expectations for the one in my life (the poor guy). My husband does try to be romantic. But nothing he does can compare with some of the things Jim Halpert has done. A new standard has been set and unfortunately for my husband, I just don't think it's a standard he'll ever be able to live up to. Jim Halpert is just that awesome. I suppose it's unfair of me to hold him to the same standards that the perfect man has set. Oh, well. No turning back now. And it certainly can't hurt to hope (besides, I have to give my husband something to aspire to. Can't let him think he's done trying just because we're married. And putting down the toilet seat is only thoughtful for so long.)

We always thought men like that couldn't exist and the cast of characters on TV certainly affirmed that. I mean, TV is supposed to be reflective of real life, isn't it? Movies kind of gave us a glimmer of hope, and books turned that glimmer into a shining star (thank you, Nicholas Sparks, creator of the Notebook), but TV left a void. But then came Jim Halpert and our faith was renewed. And to find that kind of man at work...well, that's just unheard of. If you're anything like me, the guys at work are usually a little too strange, a little too old, and a little too nothing like Jim Halpert. And all women deserve a Jim Halpert. Every woman deserves to be treated with the same sweetness and affection with which Jim treats Pam.

Yes, Jim Halpert does have his faults. He did break up with that girl on the booze cruise and um...well, I'm sure there's more but I choose not to acknowledge them. I choose to dwell on the fact that one perfect man exists, even if that existence is two dimensional. It gives me hope that maybe it can translate to three dimensional.

Lest you think I'm insane, I am aware that Jim Halpert is fake. And I love my husband on most days. But the fact that someone conjured this man up gives me hope not only for my husband, but for all of the other men out there. And all the women, too. I mean, it's about time we get an antidote to Al Bundy.