Will the Real Elmo Please Stand Up?

Every household has its dreaded words. For some it's "Dinnertime". For others it's "Your mother is on the phone". In my house, it's two little words, uttered by our 2 year old on a daily basis. Those words, in all of their goose bump inducing, skin crawling glory are "Elmo watch".

Those words seem harmless on the surface. How awful can Elmo really be? After all, Elmo is a furry red monster who encourages children to learn, to ask questions, to explore their imagination, and to just be happy to be a kid. He sings, he draws, he has a pet goldfish named Dorothy. He's even nice to Oscar. Plus, he's got a whole line of products from toothbrushes to books to life size replicas of his furriness. If he were that awful, would the Henson Company really use Elmo as their flagship product?(It was a sad day for me when I realized kids recognize Elmo more than Kermit, but I am a Muppet purist. I digress.) Well, I'm here to tell you something the creators of Sesame Street will not...beneath his cheery, furry red exterior lurks a deep dark secret. Elmo is annoying.

And I'm not talking annoying like Rosie O'Donnell or Paris Hilton. I'm talking annoying like Roseanne's rendition of the Star Spangled Banner on replay--permanently. Annoying like a 24 hour channel of campaign ads. Annoying like a case of herpes that just won't go away.

But how can that be, you ask? He's just sooooo cute. No, he's not. Any parent of any child under the age of 5 will tell you that Elmo makes you want to impale your ears so can no longer hear. Elmo makes you want to live in poverty so you don't have to look at another Elmo book or buy another Elmo toy. Elmo makes you want to smash your TV so you can no longer feed into your child's insane and irrational addiction to the world's most annoying puppet.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here is my list of Elmo's Top 5 Annoying Traits:

1. His maniacal cackle that punctuates every sentence. Seriously, why is that necessary? He sounds like he's always hatching an evil plan (which I think he is--and I think it involves not only robbing me of my money, but my sanity as well).

2. His incessant need to ask a baby questions. For those of you who have been spared the horrors of "Elmo's World" (anyone who knows what I'm talking about now has the theme song stuck in his/her head. If I have to suffer, so do you), let me explain. Each version of Elmo's World has a theme (let's use horses to illustrate my point). Elmo will ask a baby "Baby, how do you act like a horse?" (Horse of course can be substituted with frog, ball, hair, whatever). The camera will then cut to a shot of a baby sitting there like a lump (as babies are good at), of course not answering the question, and then cut back to Elmo unleashing one of his horrifying giggles. It's just so pathetic to watch. You'd think Elmo would be a little more clever than to ask a baby questions.

3. His inability to pick a different tune for his song that concludes each edition of "Elmo's World". Seriously, does every song have to sound like Jingle Bells (again to illustrate, use the word horse and only the word horse and sing it to the tune of Jingle Bells)? Elmo has now ruined a Christmastime classic. Thanks, you furry piece of s*%#.

4. His voice. Good G-d, that voice. His voice alone makes me wish I had the ability to put my hearing on a dimmer switch.

5. His overwhelming need to refer to himself in the third person. Not only is it super arrogant but I can't imagine that it's teaching children proper English. So now, our kids will not only write papers that include texting abbreviations and smiley face icons instead of words, there's going to be a whole generation of kids referring to themselves in the third person. Super. So now I have to fear that our future leaders will attend Global Summits on the economy, famine, and AIDS and will communicate to each other like this: my daughter, "President Lynch said u r so right", to which the reply will be her British counterpart,"Prime Minister Smith says ." And all thanks to Elmo. Little bastard.

So there you have it. Elmo has been exposed for what he really is--an irritating, third-person speaking, ear-drum shattering fuzz bucket. I know that it's like finding out that there's no Santa or Easter Bunny, but the whistle had to be blown. For parents, and the public in general, our sanity must be saved from this putrid creature. And the next time you see a frazzled-looking, half-deaf, caffeine-consuming parent, have a little sympathy. She may have just, in a fit of rage, beheaded her child's Tickle Me Elmo and is desperately looking for another one. Because the only thing more annoying than Elmo is a whining child.

MOANing leg 1--Rest Stop #2

We've now finished week 2 and have walked another 103.35 miles. Though some MOANers did catch up, we managed to lose a few along the way. I think they just had too much fun at SUNY Potsdam and were too hung over to join us this week (well, that's what I'm hoping...we did encounter a few coyotes and they looked pretty hungry). Luckily, we were able to buy a ton of deodorant so no one smells this week, but we are running dangerously low on toothpaste. This could be potentially damaging to morale as without toothpaste, conversation will be kept to a minimum and really, considering where our trail is taking us, talking is the only thing we have left. That, and MOANing Munch Mix. That stuff sure is tasty.

Ombud was our loudest MOANer this week, completing 26.3 miles on her own. Windspring also disturbed the neighbors with her 22 miles of MOANing. Firebird was our fastest MOANer, and the rest of us MOANed at a reasonable volume (and pace). I can't wait to see what happens next week!

So, the wagon's full of supplies, the oxen are healthy, no one's broken a limb or come down with dysentery, and everyone's still alive (I think...jury's still out on the coyote situation). Overall, this was a pretty great week. We were a haggard looking bunch when we rolled into Port Henry, NY. Fortunately, the entire town of 1062 was participating in in the local favorite sport of ice fishing, so no one really noticed our arrival, which is kind of hard to believe in a town that only takes up 1.5 square miles. In any case, it should be a great place to rest as long as we can avoid the 3 sex offenders who have taken up residence here.

Let's keep MOANing, ladies. We're halfway to Boston!

(By the way, has anyone seen any nickels? I've found a few and Elusions of Grandeur has seen a few, but I think nickels are hard to come by in upstate New York. I'll have to look harder this coming week.)

MOANing leg 1--Rest Stop

Well, it's the end of week 1 and we've walked 94 miles. Many of the MOANers forgot to show up at the starting point, but I'm confident that they'll be able to catch up. The good news is that everyone made it out of Canada without getting stopped by the Mounties (Firebird, I'm very proud of you for that)and we all made it through immigration (including Beej67 who was somehow able to convince the agents that she was a US citizen using only her library card...I think she slipped them some Molson Ice and they were just drunk) and no one needs to stop for new shoes. The bad news is that we all smell. Really badly. Apparently, I forgot to put deodorant on our list of supplies. I will make sure to pick that up at the nearest CVS (does anyone have EVB we can use...the moose in Canada ate most of my cash and the rest was lost in our swim across the St. Lawrence River. Fortunately, the oxen, bullets, and food did not drown along with the cash). Particularly noteable in the smell arena is Calsfan who MOANed the hardest this week. She finished 33 miles all by herself (fortunately, I only MOANed 1.5 miles so I'm pretty far away from her stench. Not so lucky are Sapphire12 and Kath74, who MOANed 15 and 12 miles respectively). All of the other MOANers fell somewhere between my pathetic attempt to MOAN and Calsfan's insanely loud MOANing.

But there's more good news. We are now taking a mandatory rest stop in Brasher Iron Works, NY. And yes, it's as exciting as it sounds. With it's population of 2337, I'm sure one of the 930 households will let us use their shower. If not, we can hitch a ride over to Potsdam, NY. Fortunately, Potsdam is home to SUNY Potsdam so we can rest up and shower in the dorms and maybe find a good party to crash (and hopefully the party will be filled with many young, corruptable PBBs). And if that's not a broad enough stroke of good luck, the inventor of Jolt Cola just happens to be an alumni of SUNY Potsdam. Just the break we need before we start MOANing again in the morning.

So ladies, rest up, freshen up, and I hope you're not too hung over. We've still got a long way to go before Boston!

How Jim Halpert Ruined My Life

While this is not technically MOANing related, it's something I had to get off of my chest. Jim Halpert ruined my life. There. I said it. Jim Halpert ruined my life.

You may be wondering how exactly did this happen. It's something I've thought long and hard about and the answer is simple...Jim Halpert made me believe that men can be funny, sweet, romantic, smart, sensitive, polite, well-dressed, financially independent, and cute all at once (and have a really nice butt.) I mean, I was doing just fine with my husband who, on any given day, is some combination of those traits. And I was fine with that. It was like living with a bag of Skittles...so many colors to choose from and every bag is different. And I was happy. Diversity is good. But now, I want a bag of all reds (red skittles are far and away the best, but that is another discussion). And Jim Halpert is the reddiest.

It wasn't that Jim Halpert just changed what I thought was an ideal man. He changed my expectations for the one in my life (the poor guy). My husband does try to be romantic. But nothing he does can compare with some of the things Jim Halpert has done. A new standard has been set and unfortunately for my husband, I just don't think it's a standard he'll ever be able to live up to. Jim Halpert is just that awesome. I suppose it's unfair of me to hold him to the same standards that the perfect man has set. Oh, well. No turning back now. And it certainly can't hurt to hope (besides, I have to give my husband something to aspire to. Can't let him think he's done trying just because we're married. And putting down the toilet seat is only thoughtful for so long.)

We always thought men like that couldn't exist and the cast of characters on TV certainly affirmed that. I mean, TV is supposed to be reflective of real life, isn't it? Movies kind of gave us a glimmer of hope, and books turned that glimmer into a shining star (thank you, Nicholas Sparks, creator of the Notebook), but TV left a void. But then came Jim Halpert and our faith was renewed. And to find that kind of man at work...well, that's just unheard of. If you're anything like me, the guys at work are usually a little too strange, a little too old, and a little too nothing like Jim Halpert. And all women deserve a Jim Halpert. Every woman deserves to be treated with the same sweetness and affection with which Jim treats Pam.

Yes, Jim Halpert does have his faults. He did break up with that girl on the booze cruise and um...well, I'm sure there's more but I choose not to acknowledge them. I choose to dwell on the fact that one perfect man exists, even if that existence is two dimensional. It gives me hope that maybe it can translate to three dimensional.

Lest you think I'm insane, I am aware that Jim Halpert is fake. And I love my husband on most days. But the fact that someone conjured this man up gives me hope not only for my husband, but for all of the other men out there. And all the women, too. I mean, it's about time we get an antidote to Al Bundy.

MOANing leg 1--We're Going to 88!

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Well, ladies, it's time to pull out your Delorian, watch the clock tower and drive it to 88! MOANing has officially begun and it's time to MOAN loud, hard, and often. The first leg begins in Ottawa and will take approximately 400 miles. That's when we arrive in...Boston. Yes, Boston is our first MOANing stop and home to the Red Sox, the Bruins, New Kids on the Block, and Matt Damon. And the lovely honeylioness will be our tour guide as she calls Boston, or some small town nearby, home.

For this leg of the trail, Gldnlvly has provided us with a delicious snack, MOANing Moose Munch, or MMM. MMM will be a staple along the MOANing trail. It will arrive in different forms as we move along the trail. This version of MMM is made up of:

9 cups air popped popcorn or 3 regular bags of Natural flavored microwave popcorn
1 1/2 cups almonds
1 1/2 cups pecans
2 cups mini chocolate chips or M&Ms
2 cups dried cranberries or Craisins

Add all ingredients to a large bowl and toss. Store in an airtight container. Please do not eat the whole thing at once. While doggie poop bags are conveniently located along the way (since so many of us MOAN with our dogs), barf bags have been monopolized by the airlines and anyone forced to listen to Celine Dion.

I hope you've got your walking shoes, some water as loud MOANing has been known to cause dehydration, and your passports. Nobody's getting left behind. And just remember...where we're going, we don't need roads! Well, I guess technically, we do need roads because MOANing in space might be a tad difficult. Hmmm...MOANing in space...the new final frontier?